Carpooling is something we do because we have to, not because we want to. We do it to save time and money, but the one thing it can’t save is our sanity. That’s due to the people in the car with us. They come in all different sorts and sizes and they bring with them their own special blend of crazy. Here are a couple of charts to display these facts.

1. He thought Breaking Dawn was a movie about marital abuse between a husband and his wife named Dawn.

2. He thought British Petroleum was an organization that made petroleum jelly. He thought petroleum jelly was a close relative to strawberry jelly. When he saw all the negative criticizms of BP on the televison, he smashed all of the strawberry jelly in his home and tore up all of his mother’s strawberry plants so that she couldnt make anymore jelly and therefore support the oil spewwing BP.

3. He thought Lady Gaga was on drugs…nevermind, that was a bad one.

4. He could not understand why Apple was giving away free iPhone bumpers when the insurance company wouldn’t pay for his mother’s car bumper to be fixed.

5. He was upset with the Californian judicial system when he saw Lindsay Lohan’s mom walking around in public when Lindsay was in jail. He was under the impression that Mrs. Lohan was in fact Lindsay.  When he was corrected, he replied by saying all 50 year old women look the same.

6. He could not understand why Lance Armstrong was wearing his inflamed testicle on his head during the Tour De France. It was actually just Lance’s helmet.

7. George was under the impression that Sookie Stackhouse and Snooki from the Jersey Shore were the same person and thought the Jersey Shore was in fact the HBO series True Blood. He made a compelling argument, however. The cast of the Jersey Shore only goes out at night, they have abnormal skin tones, and when they start to drink, people get hurt. Sound like anyone you know?

As a prominent journalist for the prestigious Whillikers Magazine, I was granted access into Academy Park and I tried this clapping business out for myself. Looking like an intelligent and very normal student, I stood in the center of the Clappy Circles and started to clap away. Squeak after squeak after shrilling and piercing squeak, I looked around me to see who was making this noise. Some engineers would tell you that the squeak comes from the landscape around you or even the way the mosaic tiles you stand on help create the squeak, but I do not believe any of this. For several hours I researched the Clappy Circles and on the 4^th hour, I found what I was looking for. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a spotted ground squirrel, chirping every time I put my hands together! I started a rhythm and he followed. When we gained momentum in our noise making, I stopped abruptly to see if he would stop as well. But no! He made a squeak on accident and I saw him put his tiny little paws over his mouth to hide a gasp. I quickly grabbed my telescope and looked at him closely. He was in fact a spotted ground squirrel and to my disbelief, he was wearing a Purdue Grounds Keeping Work Shirt and had his name written on the patch. His name was Salieri!

I went after him with my net to catch him just so I could ask him a few questions but he ran, making a dash for the Union. I was in hot pursuit until I tripped and fell over my own nap sack. Two days later I found myself sitting behind a tree, with my net, waiting for Salieri. For hours, I waited for someone to clap in the circle and sure enough, when someone did, Salieri emerged from his hiding spot and made his squeak. I jumped up and darted towards Salieri.

Unfortunately for him, he was very dedicated to his job and stayed still to squeak for the person who was still clapping. I swooped him up in my net and ran into the Union where we talked in “Pap Smears” (as Salieri calls it). Salieri told me that he was hired years ago to replace the old ground squirrel who would produce the squeaky noises in Academy Park. “It’s a tough job, I have to be out there all year long and it gets pretty cold in the winter. I’m only one of a handful who don’t hibernate in the winter!” Salieri told me, “But I do get compensated nicely for my efforts and I’m also in a union. Next year we are asking for a 40% increase in wages!”

Salieri told me that there are several ground squirrels who are employed by the University to do certain jobs around campus. “For example, do you ever wonder why the Engineering Fountain barely ever works? Well Antonio, another ground squirrel, goes in there and bites off wires and other things so the fountain malfunctions. Then the fountain people can have some work to do instead of driving around in their little carts. That one was Cordova’s idea,” Salieri told me.

So if you are ever walking in Academy Park and feel like giving your hands the good ‘ol clap, just know that you are making Salieri, the spotted ground squirrel, one step closer to bronchitis.

The Lampoon is finally here! For those of you who are unaware what the Lampoon is, with regards to where it stands with the magazine, it is a publication that is written by a group of Whillikers writers instead of just a single person!

The first publication from the Lampoon is called Cape Cod Killer and is a satire on political stances and what not. A good read if you are looking for some humor! Click here to read it!

The first thing one notices about the vehicle is its extreme attention to aerodynamic principles. Designed in-house by the second cousin of the little brother of the cousin to the Wright Brothers, the FGT010 has a drag coefficient of .01 and can withstand wind forces similar to those found in Dust Devils. There is a dual layered wing for increased safety. If one wing goes, the other one is there to help keep the vehicle stable on its journey. The entire body shell is crafted from carbon fibre reinforced plastic and the windows are 3 inch bullet proof glass. A special layer beneath the carbon fibre shell is made from a mixture of steel and kevlar to keep the FGT010′s cabin bullet proof. To launch the FGT010 off of the Flugtag runway, there are 3 wheels in contact with the tarmac. Each wheel is forged from a aluminum alloy and are wrapped in the latest tyre technology coming out of Pirelli tyres. The pilot for the FGT010 is none other than James Elephante, who played a larger than desired role in creating the vehicle. Elephante has had years of motor racing experience and insisted he knew better than our Chief Engineer Mario Theissen from the now defunct BMW/Sauber Formula 1 team.

“I was tired of bare-to-the-bone cockpits in racing cars so I thought that it would be a great idea to make the FGT010 more of a luxury speed boat rather than a racing jet-ski,” Elephante said when interviewed.

But, unfortunetly, Eelephante’s requests turned his luxury speed boat into a luxury barge. The entire FGT010 weighs in at 5,023.1 pounds without the driver. This is due to the extreme amount of luxurious features found inside. The entire interior is covered with leather from Swiss cows that were breast fed until they died, creating a very vulnerable and soft feeling to the leather. The seat braces are formed from gold platted lead and are covered with the same Swiss leather and stuffed with the fallen enemies of James Elephante. They are delightfully comfortable. The wood trim was created from the wood that made up the second column from the left at the front of the White House. Now, that column is plastic. The steering wheel is made with gold wrapped in leather and per Elephante’s request, there is a Child Birthing/Delivery Room at the end of the vehicle. “Everyone has hobbies! Some paint, some widdle, I birth babies! Sue me!” Elephante said when criticized for adding extra weight to the “Flying Day” machine.

You can see the FGT010 in action in the coming months.

So, on this inkless Monday morning, things were predictably going as usual. I made my way to the supply closet for another pen and when I arrived, I was greeted by the high school grad smile of Ralph. “So, did you hear the wonderful news?!” Ralph asked, holding his hands together in excitement.

“Did Frank finally find is illegitimate daughter?” I asked.

“Well, apparently she’s no longer a daughter anymore, more like a son now but no! That’s not the news!  There’s a fine young lady making her way over here from the Cleveland Branch via a transfer. And according to Jan, she’s a fine looking girl!” Ralph said with his mouth drooling.

“Oh really, well you have fun chasing her than,” I said, shutting the closet doors after picking up a new pen.

“You don’t want her?” Ralph said, walking with me back to my desk. “No, that’s okay. You have your fun, Ralph.”

“Oh you’re no fun!” Ralph laughed.

“ Well thanks anyway!” I patted his back and sat down at my desk. A few hours went by as I did some smooth talking selling and I watched my pen drain itself of ink. My phone rang and I picked it up, it was Ralph. “She’s here!” Ralph whisper/shouted into the phone.

“Who is here?”

“The transfer!”

Just then, a soft breeze passed through my handsome haircut and I looked up. She was here. I dropped the phone and looked across the office at the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She was walking towards Frank’s office, probably to get acquainted. Thank goodness my desk was directly on her route. I had to think of something to say! What could I say? She was getting closer and closer, time was running out. I had to compliment her, and make myself seem sensitive, and show her I love my grandma, women love that. I stood up quickly and opened my mouth as she passed, “Wonderful floral skirt your wearing, my grandmother was buried in something very similar,” I said as I leaned over to place my forearm on the edge of my cubical.

“Thanks, it’s actually hers,” the transfer woman said back. I lost grip on the cubical and I fell forward into all my papers. She laughed and kept walking.

“Crap!” I whispered to myself as I hid behind the desk. She was beautiful and witty! Dammit, how was I ever to make up for that? I had to say something funny in return the next time I could see her. Half an hour went by and I spent that time writing comebacks on post-its and placing them all over the walls inside my cubical.

When I heard Frank’s office door open, I jumped up out of my seat and leaned up against my desk in the coolest way I could think of and waited for the transfer woman to walk by. She started to walk in my direction but before she could complete the journey towards me, she was hailed by Jan to go meet some other people at the other side of the office. I couldn’t let this distraction take away the witty comeback I thought of go to waste so I started off on foot in pursuit of the transfer woman. Dodging and ducking past people sitting in their cubicles I snuck up behind my transfer woman and when I opened my mouth, I forgot my comeback completely. Air passed through my mouth, making an awkward noise and the transfer woman looked back at me. “Oh hello again,” she said.

I said the first thing I could think of, “If you took that skirt off of my grandma, that must mean there’s a naked old lady in the cemetery somewhere.” Crap.

“Yes, if I hypothetically stole this skirt from your dead grandmother than yes, there would be a half nude lady in the ground somewhere,” She smiled and kept walking.

I fell to my knees, crap. Hours went by and it wasn’t until after lunch that I saw my transfer woman again. This time, Ralph was escorting her to my desk. “This is James, he’s a bit of a gentleman,” Ralph said laughing.

“Yes, I met his grandmother already! My name is Susan,” my transfer woman introduced herself.

“Nice to meet you,” I awkwardly smiled, “Sorry about the grandma jokes, she’s actually still alive,” I said and pointed to a few cubicles over. My grandmother’s head was peering out, giving me a look of disappointment.

“So, how was your move here? Was everything to your satisfaction?” I asked, trying to show how polite I can be.

“It was fine, I still have so much to unpack!” Susan said, shrugging her arms.

“Let me help you with that then!” I shouted, trying to get her attention and show her my enthusiasm.

“Suuuurrreee, why not?” Susan reluctantly asked.

Sensing this situation becoming more awkward, I tried to wrap it up, “Just let me know!” I said and I turned back to my work.

Susan and Ralph said their good byes and walked off. I peered over my shoulder and noticed Ralph direct his hand south and make a degrading gesture to Susan and he turned his head back to me and smiled. Disgusting.

The end of the day arrived and I found myself in the bathroom, just like every other Monday afternoon. I was primping and cleaning myself in order to look as dapper as I usually do for the drive back to my place. A gentleman always looks good. I heard the bathroom door begin to open and I prepared myself for a guest inside the bathroom. It is always so unfortunate when one must share his or her bathroom time with someone else.  But this situation turned out to be the sort of bathroom guest I welcomed! Out of the corner of my eye, as I looked in the mirror, I noticed that it was Susan who entered the bathroom and headed for a stall. She didn’t notice me at all as she shut the stall door behind her. Crap! Was I in the women’s bathroom?! No, I wasn’t! There was the urinal! Crap! Susan just walked into the men’s bathroom! What was I to do? Oh wait, I know! I’ll act cool! That’s what I could do. I leaned up against the bathroom counter and waited for Susan to finish her business. When she finally opened the stall door, I opened my mouth, “First day jitters bring you into the men’s room often?” I said with a smirk and a smooth tone. Yes! Finally, I’m being smooth!

“Crap! I thought this was the ladies room!” Susan shouted.

“That’s what the hermaphrodites thought too. Do you have something to tell us?” I said, moving in closer.

She laughed, “No, I’m just blind. I forgot my glasses!” “Well, I’m glad you did, because I wouldn’t want anything covering up those beautiful eyes of yours,” I said softly.

The mirror in the bathroom started to steam up and the water in the toilet bowls began to boil. “What do you say I take you out some evening?” I gently asked.

“I’d like that,” Susan said, clutching her necklace.

“Friday sound good?” “Yes.” I leaned in and Susan started to purse her lips, but I placed my finger over her mouth, “Shhhh, I was just going to say you should probably get out of the men’s room.”

“Yes, I probably should. I have to go shopping for clothes tonight anyway,” Susan said as she slid to the door, “I have to pick up something business casual for work.”

“Susan, one thing you should know about this office is that we don’t work by the idea of business casual, we live the lifestyle of business sensual,” I said.

She walked out the door.

“We met at the firm, she’s very pretty isn’t she?”

“She’s pretty if you use the word loosely. Are you being serious? The firm?” My Father asked.

“Yes, the firm,” I said, confused about what was going on, “Why don’t you believe me?”

“She…she just doesn’t seem up to par with the firm’s “standards” if you know what we mean?” My Mother said.

“No, I don’t know what you mean. She graduated from Princeton, the firm only hires Princeton grads!” I defended.

“Is she…all there?” my Father leaned in to ask, “I mean, she wasn’t in an accident, was she?”

“What are you talking about? Of course she is all there! She proved you wrong in that whole discussion about Detroit!” I defended once again.

“Of course she did, darling,” my Mother said to me, “Are you sure she isn’t a “meth-child?” It is very nice of you to date a “meth-child” but how long can that last? Are you properly equipped to take care of her?”

“Are you serious?! Why do you think she’s a “meth-child!?”” I exclaimed.

“Oh, son, please, don’t raise your voice. Could you go and make sure she isn’t licking the bar of soap in the bathroom? It’s new,” my Father asked me.

“No! There’s nothing wrong with Chicago!” I shouted.

And of course, that’s when Chicago exited the powder room and heard me shout. “What is going on?” Chicago asked.

“Oh nothing, dear.  I’m just going to go switch the laundry!” my Mother said as she got up from the table.

“I must go check the soap!” my Father shouted as he excused himself.

“And we’re leaving!” I told Chicago as I grabbed her hand and walked out the door.

“Your parents seem very nice!” Chicago told me.